Another year has come and gone, but thankfully we had plenty of tweets to distract us from our inescapable, rapidly approaching demise! Every week we give your our 20 favorites, but we save the best for last. At the end of the year, we put together our 100 favorites from some of the funniest people on the internet that you should definitely be following. Enjoy!
*sits 27 hours for an oil on canvas portrait* omg delete that. Bartholomew i'm serious do not fucking hang that in the Great Hall
- Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) November 29, 2015
We must take this country BACK to make it great again. Mill jobs for children! Full-body wool swimsuits for women! Tuberculosis for all!
- braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) June 29, 2015
If you are bored I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I'm ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
- Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) April 3, 2015
A near-death experience is just God butt dialing you
- Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) February 28, 2015
Sticks and stones may break my bones Words will also hurt me Compliments make me uncomfortable I have social anxiety I'm a wreck Just go
- Josh Hara (@yoyoha) August 21, 2015
Instagram should have an "I can't like this photo because I'm in a relationship but rest assured I like it" button.
- Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) July 21, 2015
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we're dating
- Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 15, 2015
"Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?""Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time.""Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns."
- Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 9, 2015
If I ever find a dead body while I'm hiking I'm gonna be like finally
- AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) April 18, 2015
It's almost time for bed, so I guess I'll just check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and one full season of a TV show on Netflix real quick.
- Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) March 2, 2015
Hey, girl. Is heaven missing an angel? Because they all seem to be male in the Bible and... let me start over. Did it hurt? God's rejection?
- vladchoc (@vladchoc) February 25, 2015
Handing him a Coke can to be shared with "Dad" might be the very worst way to tell someone you're pregnant.
- Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) September 6, 2015
Nightmare scenario: You start dating someone, and then, after deciding they're the one, you learn they say gracias to Chipotle employees
- Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) November 3, 2015
You all laughed at me when I bought a metal detector, but who's laughing now that I found some metal?
- Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 12, 2015
There is no louder sound than your dad's sneeze.
- Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) September 1, 2015
Our kids won't even understand the game "Telephone." They'll play "Text Message" where you get the words right but misinterpret the tone.
- Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 11, 2015
Check out this screencap of some idiot on a dating app who reached out to me through the lonely void, fearing this outcome above all others.
- Daniel Kibblesmith ⚔ (@kibblesmith) June 14, 2015
I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression
- Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) July 7, 2015
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it's occupied
- Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 28, 2015
call me old fashioned but I just drowned a woman for having the devil inside of her
- Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) July 1, 2015
Well son, when you were a baby the internet and your mom's yoga teacher told us that vaccines were bad. Anyway sorry your legs don't work.
- Brian Gaar (@briangaar) February 6, 2015
Why even BOTHER to kiss, if the Fresh Prince audience isn't gonna make the OOOooooo sound the entire time I'm doing it
- Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) August 24, 2015
[Batman at McDonald's] What's your chicken sandwich called? -A McChicken And the rib? -A McRib [pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
- OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 1, 2015
When choosing a mate ask yourself "who do I want get stuck circling a full medical-building parking lot with?"
- Maggie Mull (@IAmMaggieMull) September 17, 2015
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
- Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 4, 2015
pic.twitter.com/AF9q6ahMhQ
- stefan (@boring_as_heck) October 21, 2015
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
- Ceej (@ceejoyner) January 12, 2015
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
- Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) August 21, 2015
Really? You're "blessed?" Meaning God-- who created the Heavens and the earth-- he chose you, to have a Michael Kors bag?
- Trevor S (@trevso_electric) October 1, 2015
You think your life growing up was hard? My mom used to give us APPLES for dessert. And she later passed away, which was also difficult.
- Shane (@Shanehasabeard) November 15, 2015
I may not photograph well, but IN PERSON I also look like something is off!!!
- Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) May 10, 2015
My second day of college a kid sat in front of me and Google Image-searched the word "weed" and when the results came up he nodded his head
- cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) March 8, 2015
This Uber driver is making me nauseous. Because he got me pregnant one month ago
- Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) October 14, 2015
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters pic.twitter.com/z1oVFr9ksW
- everett byram (@rad_milk) November 16, 2015
There was an Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe, and everyone criticized her bad parenting instead of trying to get her better fucking housing
- Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) July 27, 2015
lady you just lost a sale pic.twitter.com/kjkpQjgktx
- rob whisman (@robwhisman) February 15, 2015
GRANDPA: I served in WWII, the Korean War and built my own house. ME: I find I'm often too tired to text people back.
- Michael (@Home_Halfway) August 2, 2015
If you ever feel lazy, just remember that there were 126 years between the invention of the monocle and the invention of eyeglasses.
- Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) May 23, 2015
When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult
- pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 18, 2015
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
- sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) August 10, 2015
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
- jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 7, 2015
You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace
- Winter Holiday Jason (@longwall26) March 12, 2015
[commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?
- birthday plug (@oxygenplug) January 26, 2015
chicken strips, chicken fingers, chicken doesn't call me back the next day
- woman ray (@lil_escher) November 5, 2015
Hey boy, are you my password? Because you are insecure and weak as hell and ultimately will betray me.
- Sarah (@thetigersez) July 16, 2015
My favorite sex position? Boy there's so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I'd have to pick, um, reverse...shortstop? I gotta go
- Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) January 5, 2015
i saw this tire shop offers to rotate your tires and I'm thinking, pal that's called driving. it's how I got here
- Churlish (@Cryptoterra) October 21, 2015
THE GOVERNMENT DOESNT WANT YOU TO SEE THIS BUT I THINK THEY'RE SECRETLY BUILDING A MARIO LEVEL pic.twitter.com/kXTpaRLLpN
- Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) January 9, 2015
Taxi drivers in LA are like, "In my country I was a doctor." I'm like, "I get it-I'm a 4 here but back in New York I'm a solid 7."
- Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) January 3, 2015
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped "stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name" oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her
- chuuch (@ch000ch) March 4, 2015
never in a million years would I ask a tambourine man to play a song for me
- keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) March 22, 2015
while u were all distracted ranting & raving about gay marriage, the government was hiding this news story from u pic.twitter.com/ncT3lR9WnO
- christmas lindsey (@Lindzeta) June 27, 2015
Age 15: someday I'm going to own a Ferrari Age 20: maybe I'll get a BMW someday Age 25: I hope someone in a Mercedes hits me in a crosswalk
- shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) September 9, 2015
Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
- moody monday (@mdob11) July 8, 2015
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
- PapeяWash(C) (@PaperWash) September 5, 2015
the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn't a bunch of dogs and gerbils
- kristen (@kristendrum) April 2, 2015
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid. Therapist: And how many years has this been going on? *holds up 6 fingers* This many
- Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) April 24, 2015
A sign language interpreter at a Trump rally just wildly swinging around both middle fingers in all directions as he speaks.
- Ray (@SirEviscerate) September 1, 2015
Top Movies Your Boyfriend Wants to Watch: -An Idiot Saves the President -Rich Boy Hero 4 -Silent Hero Journey Boy -Fight Fight Fight -Boats
- Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 23, 2015
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called DARTH VADER: the death- [inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard] DARTH VADER: uh the health star
- Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 15, 2015
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
- hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) October 18, 2015
You never really know a person until you hear them try to solve their mother's computer problems over the phone.
- ghost mom (@radtoria) March 6, 2015
welcome to sarcasm club nice hair
- a brid (@i_eat_fruit) June 3, 2015
I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don't even have to ask how I'm doing
- Megan Kelly Dunn (@megankcomedy) September 25, 2015
can u imagine how easy it was to invent stuff in ancient Greece "uh I think we should measure shapes" congrats youre the father of geometry
- Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) August 8, 2015
Don't date guys with this line in their trim because even the line shows you that road leads nowhere pic.twitter.com/81ySMIJb4E
- Amanita muscaria (@PHREN0L0GY) November 22, 2015
INTERVIEWER: do u consider urself independent ME: *looks at mom in chair behind me* MOM: *nods* ME: I'd say yes *gives mom a big thumbs up*
- Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) August 7, 2015
This Twitter "conversation" from last night does not cease to amuse me. pic.twitter.com/RpZpCdddFl
- Joon Lee (@iamjoonlee) October 30, 2015
What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea
- Online Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 6, 2015
Is your refrigerator running? pic.twitter.com/vYN0FKVHi3
- Aaron Chewning (@AaronChewning) March 5, 2015
"Last call for flight 254" [Runs to gate] "You barely made it" [out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I'm a vegan
- Saucy Krismas (@Book_Krazy) August 31, 2015
Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness. Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.
- Erren Michaels (@ErrenMichaels) April 18, 2015
This gif has so many characters and subplots, it's like a Shakespearean tragedy pic.twitter.com/rUYl1SOGIc
- Senongo (@senongo) October 2, 2015
*Bill Gates knocks on your door* "Have you accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions into your heart."
- Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) September 17, 2015
Sneak peek at Dr. Ben Carson's latest book: pic.twitter.com/tEZyZ0vNzE
- stefan (@boring_as_heck) October 10, 2015
Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping? Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
- Life Quixotic (@aka_fatman) October 4, 2015
They don't hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It's Restockholm syndrome.
- Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 8, 2015
my parents r actually on drugs or something pic.twitter.com/lt9MiwOi99
- emily musson (@emilymusson) September 8, 2015
classical music sounds really fancy and proper for something composed by guys who threw a bucket of their turds out the window every morning
- Ernie Monies (@crushingbort) August 13, 2015
When you recognise that voice you once heard say "TF you mean you're keeping it??" pic.twitter.com/bH2ihZXG5u
- BIG'S BROTHER (@_ThEngineer) September 22, 2015
How to write a horror film: 1. Bad things 2. OR ARE THERE 3. Yes bad things 4. Defeat the bad things 5. OR HAVE THEY
- TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 3, 2015
When you're in witness protection but want to go to the ballgame pic.twitter.com/S5nez5mzhH
- Dan McQuade (@dhm) September 10, 2015
How do they get the hurricanes to arrive in alphabetical order tho
- Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 31, 2015
My mom be putting ordinary shit into other shit. We don't need this for listerine. I feel like I'm in Harry Potter pic.twitter.com/DaqIPSguwC
- D (@DrakoTsunami) August 15, 2015
WOMAN: I do not want to have sex with you MAN: Women are so mysterious
- Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) July 28, 2015
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
- Mirthday Bat (@MatCro) July 26, 2015
So much of being an adult is bringing a bottle of wine someone brought to your house to someone else's house
- emily axford (@eaxford) July 25, 2015
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
- Matt Oswalt (@puddinstrip) June 7, 2015
drake entering his atm pin under pressure https://t.co/WQecu7mYXZ
- Desus Nice (@desusnice) July 19, 2015
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
- Erica (@SCbchbum) March 21, 2015
This picture gave me hope...for the future...if they, the two great enemies, can get along and laugh...why cant we? pic.twitter.com/EZn2FhdUob
- Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) July 14, 2015
[spelling bee] Your word is "pneumonia". "Can you use it in a sentence?" Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
- Me (@jesse_street) April 24, 2015
Hey baby, I ran us both a gender specific laser bath "Thanks baby" pic.twitter.com/igxzGeK90B
- Turbo Jimmy (@Turbo_Jimmy) July 9, 2015
We all just go about our lives, looking each other in the face, pretending like the 1st 2 rounds of Family Feud actually mean something.
- Ja'Crispy Vulcano (@SalVulcano) July 12, 2015
"Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?""No Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my..." *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*
- F R O V O (@fro_vo) July 19, 2014
[me as a DJ] Where my single ladies at? *drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men
- Jebb (@Jennuflect) September 18, 2015
someone wake up dan bailey pic.twitter.com/smc6ADk9Xd
- Lana Berry (@Lana) September 14, 2015
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
- viney (@vineyille) January 4, 2015
[on deathbed] "Tell my Wif... *cough*" Yes? Tell her what? "Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best" [dies]
- Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 5, 2015
Just a simple photo of a red vase, right? Look closer; it's Hall & Oates. pic.twitter.com/XVvkVn4wKY
- Mark Leggett (@markleggett) June 26, 2015
Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments Reported by Asylum 17 hours ago.
*sits 27 hours for an oil on canvas portrait* omg delete that. Bartholomew i'm serious do not fucking hang that in the Great Hall
- Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) November 29, 2015
We must take this country BACK to make it great again. Mill jobs for children! Full-body wool swimsuits for women! Tuberculosis for all!
- braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) June 29, 2015
If you are bored I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I'm ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
- Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) April 3, 2015
A near-death experience is just God butt dialing you
- Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) February 28, 2015
Sticks and stones may break my bones Words will also hurt me Compliments make me uncomfortable I have social anxiety I'm a wreck Just go
- Josh Hara (@yoyoha) August 21, 2015
Instagram should have an "I can't like this photo because I'm in a relationship but rest assured I like it" button.
- Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) July 21, 2015
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we're dating
- Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 15, 2015
"Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?""Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time.""Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns."
- Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 9, 2015
If I ever find a dead body while I'm hiking I'm gonna be like finally
- AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) April 18, 2015
It's almost time for bed, so I guess I'll just check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and one full season of a TV show on Netflix real quick.
- Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) March 2, 2015
Hey, girl. Is heaven missing an angel? Because they all seem to be male in the Bible and... let me start over. Did it hurt? God's rejection?
- vladchoc (@vladchoc) February 25, 2015
Handing him a Coke can to be shared with "Dad" might be the very worst way to tell someone you're pregnant.
- Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) September 6, 2015
Nightmare scenario: You start dating someone, and then, after deciding they're the one, you learn they say gracias to Chipotle employees
- Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) November 3, 2015
You all laughed at me when I bought a metal detector, but who's laughing now that I found some metal?
- Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 12, 2015
There is no louder sound than your dad's sneeze.
- Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) September 1, 2015
Our kids won't even understand the game "Telephone." They'll play "Text Message" where you get the words right but misinterpret the tone.
- Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 11, 2015
Check out this screencap of some idiot on a dating app who reached out to me through the lonely void, fearing this outcome above all others.
- Daniel Kibblesmith ⚔ (@kibblesmith) June 14, 2015
I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression
- Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) July 7, 2015
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it's occupied
- Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 28, 2015
call me old fashioned but I just drowned a woman for having the devil inside of her
- Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) July 1, 2015
Well son, when you were a baby the internet and your mom's yoga teacher told us that vaccines were bad. Anyway sorry your legs don't work.
- Brian Gaar (@briangaar) February 6, 2015
Why even BOTHER to kiss, if the Fresh Prince audience isn't gonna make the OOOooooo sound the entire time I'm doing it
- Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) August 24, 2015
[Batman at McDonald's] What's your chicken sandwich called? -A McChicken And the rib? -A McRib [pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
- OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 1, 2015
When choosing a mate ask yourself "who do I want get stuck circling a full medical-building parking lot with?"
- Maggie Mull (@IAmMaggieMull) September 17, 2015
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
- Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 4, 2015
pic.twitter.com/AF9q6ahMhQ
- stefan (@boring_as_heck) October 21, 2015
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
- Ceej (@ceejoyner) January 12, 2015
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
- Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) August 21, 2015
Really? You're "blessed?" Meaning God-- who created the Heavens and the earth-- he chose you, to have a Michael Kors bag?
- Trevor S (@trevso_electric) October 1, 2015
You think your life growing up was hard? My mom used to give us APPLES for dessert. And she later passed away, which was also difficult.
- Shane (@Shanehasabeard) November 15, 2015
I may not photograph well, but IN PERSON I also look like something is off!!!
- Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) May 10, 2015
My second day of college a kid sat in front of me and Google Image-searched the word "weed" and when the results came up he nodded his head
- cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) March 8, 2015
This Uber driver is making me nauseous. Because he got me pregnant one month ago
- Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) October 14, 2015
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters pic.twitter.com/z1oVFr9ksW
- everett byram (@rad_milk) November 16, 2015
There was an Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe, and everyone criticized her bad parenting instead of trying to get her better fucking housing
- Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) July 27, 2015
lady you just lost a sale pic.twitter.com/kjkpQjgktx
- rob whisman (@robwhisman) February 15, 2015
GRANDPA: I served in WWII, the Korean War and built my own house. ME: I find I'm often too tired to text people back.
- Michael (@Home_Halfway) August 2, 2015
If you ever feel lazy, just remember that there were 126 years between the invention of the monocle and the invention of eyeglasses.
- Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) May 23, 2015
When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult
- pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 18, 2015
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
- sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) August 10, 2015
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
- jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 7, 2015
You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace
- Winter Holiday Jason (@longwall26) March 12, 2015
[commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?
- birthday plug (@oxygenplug) January 26, 2015
chicken strips, chicken fingers, chicken doesn't call me back the next day
- woman ray (@lil_escher) November 5, 2015
Hey boy, are you my password? Because you are insecure and weak as hell and ultimately will betray me.
- Sarah (@thetigersez) July 16, 2015
My favorite sex position? Boy there's so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I'd have to pick, um, reverse...shortstop? I gotta go
- Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) January 5, 2015
i saw this tire shop offers to rotate your tires and I'm thinking, pal that's called driving. it's how I got here
- Churlish (@Cryptoterra) October 21, 2015
THE GOVERNMENT DOESNT WANT YOU TO SEE THIS BUT I THINK THEY'RE SECRETLY BUILDING A MARIO LEVEL pic.twitter.com/kXTpaRLLpN
- Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) January 9, 2015
Taxi drivers in LA are like, "In my country I was a doctor." I'm like, "I get it-I'm a 4 here but back in New York I'm a solid 7."
- Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) January 3, 2015
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped "stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name" oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her
- chuuch (@ch000ch) March 4, 2015
never in a million years would I ask a tambourine man to play a song for me
- keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) March 22, 2015
while u were all distracted ranting & raving about gay marriage, the government was hiding this news story from u pic.twitter.com/ncT3lR9WnO
- christmas lindsey (@Lindzeta) June 27, 2015
Age 15: someday I'm going to own a Ferrari Age 20: maybe I'll get a BMW someday Age 25: I hope someone in a Mercedes hits me in a crosswalk
- shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) September 9, 2015
Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
- moody monday (@mdob11) July 8, 2015
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
- PapeяWash(C) (@PaperWash) September 5, 2015
the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn't a bunch of dogs and gerbils
- kristen (@kristendrum) April 2, 2015
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid. Therapist: And how many years has this been going on? *holds up 6 fingers* This many
- Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) April 24, 2015
A sign language interpreter at a Trump rally just wildly swinging around both middle fingers in all directions as he speaks.
- Ray (@SirEviscerate) September 1, 2015
Top Movies Your Boyfriend Wants to Watch: -An Idiot Saves the President -Rich Boy Hero 4 -Silent Hero Journey Boy -Fight Fight Fight -Boats
- Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 23, 2015
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called DARTH VADER: the death- [inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard] DARTH VADER: uh the health star
- Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 15, 2015
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
- hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) October 18, 2015
You never really know a person until you hear them try to solve their mother's computer problems over the phone.
- ghost mom (@radtoria) March 6, 2015
welcome to sarcasm club nice hair
- a brid (@i_eat_fruit) June 3, 2015
I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don't even have to ask how I'm doing
- Megan Kelly Dunn (@megankcomedy) September 25, 2015
can u imagine how easy it was to invent stuff in ancient Greece "uh I think we should measure shapes" congrats youre the father of geometry
- Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) August 8, 2015
Don't date guys with this line in their trim because even the line shows you that road leads nowhere pic.twitter.com/81ySMIJb4E
- Amanita muscaria (@PHREN0L0GY) November 22, 2015
INTERVIEWER: do u consider urself independent ME: *looks at mom in chair behind me* MOM: *nods* ME: I'd say yes *gives mom a big thumbs up*
- Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) August 7, 2015
This Twitter "conversation" from last night does not cease to amuse me. pic.twitter.com/RpZpCdddFl
- Joon Lee (@iamjoonlee) October 30, 2015
What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea
- Online Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 6, 2015
Is your refrigerator running? pic.twitter.com/vYN0FKVHi3
- Aaron Chewning (@AaronChewning) March 5, 2015
"Last call for flight 254" [Runs to gate] "You barely made it" [out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I'm a vegan
- Saucy Krismas (@Book_Krazy) August 31, 2015
Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness. Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.
- Erren Michaels (@ErrenMichaels) April 18, 2015
This gif has so many characters and subplots, it's like a Shakespearean tragedy pic.twitter.com/rUYl1SOGIc
- Senongo (@senongo) October 2, 2015
*Bill Gates knocks on your door* "Have you accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions into your heart."
- Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) September 17, 2015
Sneak peek at Dr. Ben Carson's latest book: pic.twitter.com/tEZyZ0vNzE
- stefan (@boring_as_heck) October 10, 2015
Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping? Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
- Life Quixotic (@aka_fatman) October 4, 2015
They don't hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It's Restockholm syndrome.
- Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 8, 2015
my parents r actually on drugs or something pic.twitter.com/lt9MiwOi99
- emily musson (@emilymusson) September 8, 2015
classical music sounds really fancy and proper for something composed by guys who threw a bucket of their turds out the window every morning
- Ernie Monies (@crushingbort) August 13, 2015
When you recognise that voice you once heard say "TF you mean you're keeping it??" pic.twitter.com/bH2ihZXG5u
- BIG'S BROTHER (@_ThEngineer) September 22, 2015
How to write a horror film: 1. Bad things 2. OR ARE THERE 3. Yes bad things 4. Defeat the bad things 5. OR HAVE THEY
- TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 3, 2015
When you're in witness protection but want to go to the ballgame pic.twitter.com/S5nez5mzhH
- Dan McQuade (@dhm) September 10, 2015
How do they get the hurricanes to arrive in alphabetical order tho
- Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 31, 2015
My mom be putting ordinary shit into other shit. We don't need this for listerine. I feel like I'm in Harry Potter pic.twitter.com/DaqIPSguwC
- D (@DrakoTsunami) August 15, 2015
WOMAN: I do not want to have sex with you MAN: Women are so mysterious
- Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) July 28, 2015
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
- Mirthday Bat (@MatCro) July 26, 2015
So much of being an adult is bringing a bottle of wine someone brought to your house to someone else's house
- emily axford (@eaxford) July 25, 2015
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
- Matt Oswalt (@puddinstrip) June 7, 2015
drake entering his atm pin under pressure https://t.co/WQecu7mYXZ
- Desus Nice (@desusnice) July 19, 2015
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
- Erica (@SCbchbum) March 21, 2015
This picture gave me hope...for the future...if they, the two great enemies, can get along and laugh...why cant we? pic.twitter.com/EZn2FhdUob
- Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) July 14, 2015
[spelling bee] Your word is "pneumonia". "Can you use it in a sentence?" Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
- Me (@jesse_street) April 24, 2015
Hey baby, I ran us both a gender specific laser bath "Thanks baby" pic.twitter.com/igxzGeK90B
- Turbo Jimmy (@Turbo_Jimmy) July 9, 2015
We all just go about our lives, looking each other in the face, pretending like the 1st 2 rounds of Family Feud actually mean something.
- Ja'Crispy Vulcano (@SalVulcano) July 12, 2015
"Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?""No Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my..." *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*
- F R O V O (@fro_vo) July 19, 2014
[me as a DJ] Where my single ladies at? *drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men
- Jebb (@Jennuflect) September 18, 2015
someone wake up dan bailey pic.twitter.com/smc6ADk9Xd
- Lana Berry (@Lana) September 14, 2015
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
- viney (@vineyille) January 4, 2015
[on deathbed] "Tell my Wif... *cough*" Yes? Tell her what? "Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best" [dies]
- Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 5, 2015
Just a simple photo of a red vase, right? Look closer; it's Hall & Oates. pic.twitter.com/XVvkVn4wKY
- Mark Leggett (@markleggett) June 26, 2015
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